Just touching in for a brief moment and journaling my thoughts to you...
No productivity
Lazy
Sad
Not as ambitious
Emotionally exhausted.
Alone
Aloof
Hopeful
In a Limbo
This is where my clarity is at. Doesn’t sound like clarity though right? Sounds like a hot mess. Nevertheless, it brings me to understanding the concept of clarity.
I encourage you to think of clarity as a fluctuating process, not as something instant and linear.
For any part of your life...family, lifestyle, spirituality, health, relationships, friendships, hobbies, ambitions, work, etc if it’s important to you, add it to your growing list of what I call “Finding Clarity”.
And ask yourself, do I have complete clarity with “X”? I bet if you go through that list you wrote down, every single item on there has some variations of clarity, even the ones that seem so clear, but deep down it’s still in progress to some degree. Let me know? Am I right?
If I’m right, then further evidence that clarity is not instant and not linear. Let’s make note while your “Finding Clarity” list may have similar things to another person, their progress may not be at the same level as you. I get very stuck in thinking man I should have clarity on “Y” by now, because Billy Bob seems to have clarity on this “Y” already. Notice also, sometimes the items on your lists maybe moving up and down in priority. That’s okay too.
My current list is at the end of this email in a picture. It's likely different from yours or maybe sort of similar. I need to create sub bullets and specifically add names/ideas/categories to each item and where I’m at with each one. Those latter parts are all only scattered in my head.
Maybe you have a mental list of this already. Today, I encourage you to write down your “Finding Clarity” list somewhere.
Let me know if you have other ideas for the concept for clarity.
I’m going to try to create an infographic on this concept (when I’m not being the lazy bum I’m being right now so maybe 2021 at this point, read below for more)
Me, now... clarity progress level: unknown.
Lifestyle, Career, Music
I think in the beginning of the year I needed distractions so I ambitiously poured myself into my career goals, blog, and music.
Well I did it all. And I proved to myself that if I put my mind to what I want, you know I will get it done. Unfortunately, I am at some mental blocks at the moment.
What Now?
I have to sit back and think, is this what I still want. If the answer is still teetering to yes, but I can’t do anything in this moment, then my in and out hiatus continues, but if I haven’t crossed it off of my list yet, then God only knows it must be there for a reason. It’s important to me.
Do you have the finding clarity list for different parts of your life? What’s always on there? What needs to be crossed off? Should you cross it off or are you not putting in the effort to let it evolve?
Transparent and Authentic. That’s what I hope to be better at each day. I don't need to do that with everyone granted, but I need to be better with the ones who matter. That means my close friends, church, and family are seeing bubbly me ...well not be as bubbly all the time. I sometimes have a hard time putting things into words with anyone. Not sure if its just brain fog in the moment. But no more distracting yourself. Work on it in pieces. Cry about it. Yell about it. Pray about it. Talk about it. Take Space. Repeat if needed.
Does having free time equate to more procrastination and laziness sometimes? Is there a thing as being too introspective?
Am I just apathetic? My mental health is not as strong right now for multiple reasons, but my spiritual life is painfully/joyfully pushing me through and regardless of circumstances, I still believe I have good people around me in my new city and back home to reach out to.
Career
As I go through the motions, I’ve still been a bit all over the place...
My first 2 months as Dr. Thomson have felt like a medical student. Lots of telemedicine and still shadowing. And learning about pediatric medicine turtle slow. I signed up for my last board exam and am about 600 practice questions behind ( was supposed to do 20-40/day)
My job is the culture I wanted. People who are there for you and give you an opportunity to grow in and out of medicine.
First goal: become a good pediatrician. then decide how much you’ll invest into the rest of your career. The problem is that I need to start planting the seeds in those other areas of interest or how will I know where else my potential could lie?
do I want to start a business, be a part time doc, fellowship training, join private practice, join a start up, do concierge medicine, be a physician consultant, retire early..
or
am I tired enough that I’m finally okay with not working as hard anymore? I don't care much about keeping a six figure salary later in my career as long as I am happy and not stressed, so am I okay being content with simplicity and just chilling? What a paradox for a person who normally thrives on ambition.
Music
I’ve been pouring myself and my emotions into music, if you've watched my covers. It’s been therapeutic. Subconsciously wanting a few to hear my inner thoughts. Truthfully been proud of how much my vocal range has improved in the past 6 years. I think singing has been taking my experiences and then also method acting in a way since I can't relate to every part of a song, but can still sing it to the extent and emotion it was written for. I used to think it was cliche when people said your best music comes at the worst, but I think my brain is primed like a musician where that area on an MRI probably just begins to fire over-actively when the other areas are fizzling out.
Have you seen Jon Bellion's documentary on his album GSP? There is a part where he says he is holding back tears when he finally puts one of his songs together. I love artists who are their music to the core. I like to bring that into my hobby now and then. Fame? Sure that would be cool, but I'll be fine without it. Inspired? I’ll take that any day.
If you have time, watch at least 9:25-10:25, as he talks about the impact of making his introspective song "Stupid Deep"
LifeStyle
I have too much free time right now and I’ve spent it sitting on my couch eating, cooking, and watching Netflix or even worse absentmindedly scrolling through social media accounts hopping from one to another with absolutely 0 intention, not even reading, and getting irritated or triggered by what I see.
Picking up my phone over and over for no reason. Addiction with no reason to be.
Has anyone weaned themselves off of social media successfully? My unhealthy habits are making me want to switch things off but I hop back on.
I used to want to keep up with everyone, but each year I get older I’m okay keeping that “everyone” number low on most of my personal accounts. FB is a lost cause. IG needs to be cleaned up. SC, I think I removed like 15 people the other day.
I took for granted having other people in my house, like my parents, my sister just barging into my room and me likewise doing the same, and my dog and her pure innocence to what’s going on this world. I can’t imagine the people who had to isolate themselves with no one around them when quarantine started in March. My best friend in Miami is living by herself now too and we both agreed the loneliness sometimes creeps in. Luckily, my church youth group has been one outlet of relief. Need to actually get out of the apt for things other than work and groceries.
Yet, I also appreciate being alone. I enjoy NoVa more than I expected. And the city I’m in reminds me of the suburbian lifestyle I love and I have this weird comfort knowing there is another amazing city 30 mins away with a completely different vibe when I need it. Not that I can go out and do all the big crowded things at the moment. Going back to my laziness, I can’t even get myself to drive over to somewhere and do anything.
So as you can see my clarity is still a work in progress, in a rough place, in these areas and many others.
Is yours too?
Some of the items on my list are too personal to discuss in a blog, but ask yourself for those kind of items are you still finding clarity or discussing how you can find them with others?
Take your list and break down where your clarity is even at. It can be enlightening.
