But not completely in a bad way.. It's so hard for me to admit this subject line, because I don't like being portrayed as weak and too sensitive, but expressing too much emotion usually puts off that vibe.
Screw that. I think being transparent and candid is more courageous. Get to the end of this post and I'll talk about how life has been interconnected for me.
If you know me, you know I am the kind of person who will still be pushing forward with a smile on my face even if I am struggling, but I went to sleep last night listening to deep music filled with so many emotions and still woke up in a daze this morning.
If you read to the end of this, thank you for your time...
When life is a roller coaster, I get both emotionally and mentally exhausted but the ambition in me will never stop me from moving forward, from TRYING.
But occasionally when it all hits at once you have to stop and reflect. Where is my Clarity?
Let's begin with some random thoughts...
Tomorrow, I officially become a Doctor. MD. As weird as it sounds, I am so proud of this achievement, but I find it surreal that this is now suddenly me. I haven't been in a hospital or done anything clinical since November 2019. So thankful for the extended vacation that 4th year provided, but also terrified that I maybe forgot everything in 6-7 months of freedom. I talked to many of my classmates and we ALL feel the same.
My mom started crying the other day, when she gave me a cutting board to pack before I move next week. So naturally, we both started laughing and crying at the same time in return. I was thinking about how excited I am to move but also getting those ooey gooey sentimental feelings of new changes and transitions and goodbyes.
Stepped on the scale today and I've lost almost 10ish pounds. Still in a healthy BMI and feeling more fit. I've been intermittent fasting and I think I've ambitiously reached the 1 meal a day method for most days of the week. Trying to maintain a healthy outlook on this. Still working on it. I LOVE FOOD, but I'm training my body to not overeat and snack too much so I can focus on strength training next instead of massive cardio workouts and diet. Will this happen during residency?
I was thinking about all the stuff that went down this year and had a moment of internal struggle. Maybe I can't do it, maybe I can, I don't want to be in the limelight of social media, I want to inspire, but I don't want anyone in my business. What is the balance of content overload and genuine engagement? Do I want to engage anymore? I really don't need any new friends, but I want to have new connections. But will those be superficial? I want to see my friends happy, but will I be happy? I don't want to give up on anyone or me? Do I need another break, or is this the time to put in even more fuel?
Wow a little too deep and candid....Here's a meme to bring some lightheartedness back to this read before I move on.
CLARITY AND CONNECTION
In the past year and this crazy one, I’ve realized when life gets me really down and anxious I’ve reacted two ways. Completely lose touch with people and just go MIA-haha @2019, quarter life crisis (not my best time) or like this year super ambitious in order to distract myself from what is making me sad/bothering me and allow for a creative release. When the pandemic started, I was already so distant that this new conundrum just felt like a tick mark on my mental "well this sucks" checklist. I had to take a moment and re-frame my perspective and express gratitude.
In a way, you have to do what is best for you. What you need to ask yourself is whatever method you chose are you moving forward, even if it’s turtle slow? have you even tried addressing what’s bothering you? or are you still sitting stuck in place like a rock hoping your problems will just disappear if you click "hide" and check back later? This theme has led back to my idea that achieving clarity is a work in progress with dips and peaks. Some days I feel like I have got it all figured it out and the next day I am back to square one. I wish I could click this button and *BAM "you've got clarity", but in reality if you don't put in the work to find clarity, will your "clarity" actually be "clear"?
I’ve realized in the past 6 months as I ventured out to try things that were not Medicine, how much I liked them. A LOT! I love graphic design and have friends with polished skills, but I myself only had the basic ones. I know now if I continued to refine them everyday I could get pretty good at it simply because I downloaded an app and tried. In a different lifetime, maybe I would have pursued a completely different career path in business. Think about what career you are doing right now? Were there ever any moments you thought to yourself, hmm I could see myself doing this too? When I used to think this way before, I used to feel a bit ashamed like I was no longer passionate about my role in medicine. But that was futile thinking. Â
The thing is when you love a lot of things, in my opinion, I think God puts you where your calling will shine, but then he also offers you a chance to explore other talents. This then introduces our own duties to practice balancing and managing our priorities. He doesn’t just hand us everything on a golden platter, because how are we going to truly learn about ourselves that way? The fact that at one point as a med student I was sitting there trying to make music, design digitally, understand entrepreneurship, business, and nonprofits, doesn’t mean I don’t want to be a doctor. Instead I feel like I am getting to simply experience, learn, and more so find a way to connect it back to this journey in Medicine. Maybe I can be a part time pediatrician and do other things. I don't know where my journey is headed, but I have the passion to find out if I take the moments "I'm tired" to always reflect.
Life is interconnected. Here are some ways I’ve realized that:
Learning about Music is Medicine at age 20 as a junior in Undergrad...I decided to start a student chapter of that organization on campus from scratch. Music is Medicine led me to Katie’s Art Project, where I now direct the Campus Chapter program.Â
Joining a nonprofit inspired me to explore leadership and business/startup and further clarified that I wanted to work with kids in medicine. I also got close to the right people during this time that somehow excited me to explore that side of myself as well.
I used to make covers and post them everyday on social media in undergrad. Continuing to sing for fun led me to take initiative in writing/recording a song with Katie’s Art Project because while I no longer had times to make covers everyday, I could still do something unique.Â
Katie’s Art Project songwriting and struggles in my life later led me to pursue songwriting by myself as a way to express my feelings and write my own album and mix/produce my own music, #ChasingDreams.
Making music led me to explore graphic design even more than I did when I was younger because I needed to create my own album art. (I’ve low key always loved design, I was the kind of kid that submitted to the Google Logo design contests for students. PS I didn’t win the scholarships haha)
Changing from a hermit who never wanted to leave Oklahoma to traveling many places during med school of all times and taking a chance on someone led me to DC, where I’ll now be training as a pediatrician in the suburbs of the nations Capitol in beautiful NoVa. The first time I went to DC was part of an epic NE trip where I also recorded that song through Katie’s Art Project in NY (ironic little intertwining of all my dreams)
Chasing and running after the people/things I cared about led me to painful life moments but I also in the meantime learned how to try even harder and accept how much I can care for genuinely, with nothing in return. And these sentiments and feelings inspired me to name my album #ChasingDreams and what I’ve learned from it. The people I met inspired me to understand business, entrepreneurship, and side hustles.. and one connection led to more connections and this continues to grow.Â
When the hard times continued, everything got canceled, and the world entered a pandemic I finally put forth the thought of making a blog or at least putting out more content, inspired by my own friends' ambitions and blogs. In a way it was an outlet for creativity and a distraction to stay busy and ambitious, the way I liked. All leading to start the journey right where God placed me...starting residency as a pediatrician in a new state that I initially ran to ironically for so many reasons.
So where’s life headed next? How will it be connected? How will I grow? Some moments will never be forgotten, but look back at your life and think about how people made you feel, the moments that led you to where you are today, and hey if you woke up this morning that means God gave you another day to allow you to build even more interconnected moments. Where is Clarity in all this? Its expanding, molding, crumbling, shifting, growing. Let your experiences allow it to evolve even more.
So I am tired..but hey its okay. We are all tired in some way or another but we express it in different ways. Find your clarity, and keeping doing YOU.
I may be posting a lot on social media or maybe in a bit a lot less, but I thought it was important to make clear the enigma of the person behind it.
PHEW, Did you make it to the end of this? Congrats and Thank You. I really appreciate that.
Clara T